The following are jokes and bits that never made into the Stand Up Rotation.
Raisins: I hate Raisins. People call raisins “Nature’s Candies” but I think they were just God’s mistakes. Raisins are so terrible that if in the Garden of Eden, there was a Raisin Tree instead of Apples, Eve would’ve never eaten anything and we would still be there. That’s how terrible Raisins are, they aren’t even worth sinning for.
White Chocolate Racism: I think White Chocolate is Racist. Chocolate already had its identity pact down. In fact there was even a dark version created that was really good for your health, with various anti-oxidents. But then White people came out and said “Hey, what if we created a chocolate that was 3 times sweeter and 2 times more expensive and you feel like you’re on verge of diabetes at all times” Oh and what are you going to call this? “White Chocolate!” Racist.
Soap for Valentine’s Day: One of the presents you give to someone for Valentine’s Day is a bar of Soap. Sure it decorated but what better way to crush a person’s hopes and dreams by getting soap for Valentine’s Day and letting them know they stink, on multiple levels!
Captialist Elmo: I was in New York a while back and saw a gentleman dressed as Elmo. So naturally I wanted to photo and when I did he pulled out a sign that says “Dollars for Photos” Since when did Elmo become such a Capitalist Dirtbag? I must have missed the Wall Street Episode of Sesame Street with special guest Goldman Sachs. I want my Dollar back Elmo!
Dreams: I have a dream to one day get a Dunkin’ Donuts Coffee and dip a Starbucks Donut and see if the universe implodes on itself.