St. Patty’s Day! Luck of the Irish! Hoppin’ on the train to Boozeville! Every year, March 17th becomes a day where we all get to be extra Irish and do Irish things. Play the Bagpipes. Eat Corn with some beef inside of it wrapped in cabbage. Hate the British. Drink. These are great Irish traditions, but there are some things the Irish believe that aren’t even Irish! Let go through them shall we.
Ol’ St. Patty! This guy’s not even Irish. He’s actually British, which now know the truth, makes the drinking portion of this holiday even more valid! So how did he become Irish? He was kidnapped by Irish Raiders. Yes, Raiders! Riders of the badlands of England…Do the English have badlands? This must’ve have been a pretty complex raiding operation! These raider had to rent a boat…buying one for something like this wouldn’t have been an investment…then get some horses, find that church, follow St. Pat around till he was finally alone and then they kidnap him.
So what the hell did these raiders do with Ol’…Well at the time Young…St. Patty? Let him be. They kept him in captivity. He was basically home schooled, which even in the 5th century was considered kindda lame. For 6 years Patrick didn’t have any friends and these Raiders told him what he needed to know, which of course made him super religious and he found Christianity, converted and started working as a missionary. But since he was a home schooled kid and had a vivid imagination that came out of loneliness, he started spreading his teachings around Ireland. He came up with using Clovers to teach people about the Father, Son and the Holy Spirit. Later the 4-Leaf clover was introduced as a myth of good luck, because the 4th clover symbolized Mary, who broke up the sausage fest of this metaphoric bible lesson.
Ol’ St. Patty was so clever he even started his own legends, like the ones about ridding Ireland of snakes. Snakes don’t live in Ireland, because the water is too cold. But the story of the snakes didn’t become popular till much after St. Patrick’s death. The fact is people forgot about St. Patty after he died. His eulogy started with “Wait, was the this weird home schooled guy with the plants that kept talking about Jesus? Oh that guy died?! I thought it was Patrick who ran the pub and potato fields! What a relief!? I mean, condolences. A lot of condolences!”
So when you’re out with your friends drinking and watching the parade surrounded by hoards of people dressed in green with shamrocks and leprechauns on their faces, be sure to appreciate that because that was something Ol’ St. Patty didn’t have around him when he was alive!