Full Gay

A few years ago when I was still in college, I had a friend of mine come out of closet to me. I’m always a fan of being true to yourself and I was glad that he felt comfortable with me to do so, but the way he did was a bit off putting. I had known this gent in high school and he claimed to be bi-sexual, which is really gay light or diet gay we know where this is going. There’s a light at the end of the tunnel and there’s a shirtless guy ready to catch you and take you on the journey of your dreams, or so I’m told.

So fast forward about 2 years after high school, we hadn’t seen each other in a while and I got text from this friend of mine and we decided we’ll go on a drive and so we did. Now when I got into this car, my friend opened with a very detailed story of him a younger gentleman had done in the privacy of their bedroom. This is not what I had asked him. I opened up with “Hey, how are classes?” and he responded with “BUTT SEX!”. Now that is not a class I’m particularly interested, because I feel like you need a butt, for butt sex. The problem with this is not that I’m uncomfortable with gay sex or anything, I just don’t like the detail of anyone’s sex life, gay or straight. If this would have been a conversation with a straight friend which went:

Friend: Bro, totally boned Lisa last night.

Me: Nice good for you dude. [Hi five]

Friend: Alright let me tell how!

That interaction is creepy on all accounts. I’m just happy that you got laid by the lady or gent that you wanted to, but I don’t need to know the details or the positions involved because chances are I’ll have to make eye contact with that person at some point in the future!

While we drove around in this coming of age situation, he used the term “full gay” in reference to his sexual orientation. I don’t think gay is ever a part time orientation. I think when you finally figure out that you are gay, you get all the full time health benefits, 30-days paid vacations, company car, a separate bathroom…Although that last one may not be a perk. But the point is there are no U-Turns rainbow road; and for those of you that have played Mario Kart you know this is apt metaphor, because long, windy and Princess Peach & Yoshi are going to win at the end of it.

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