The city of Medellin is famous of the Drug Lord and Philanthropist Pablo Escobar who died almost 2 decades ago. But it seems that his reign continues, but this time around it’s not in the traditional sense. His drug cartel is reported to be operational but it’s not controlled by an heir of Escobar but rather a school of Hippos that are living on his property.
“We are doing things the way they our owner really wanted,” says El Vejo, the oldest of the Hippos, “We take from the rich and give back to poor and the community. But we do it the way Hippos do it.”
The Hippo cartel is not smuggling drugs but rather rare fruits and vegetables into Columbia. The crime they are committing is by passing customs at the borders and declaring what these fruits are really for. The FBI and DEA are confused as to what to do.
“We don’t have a laws for hippos,” says Frank Arturo, the lead DEA agent on this case, “And I’m not going to get eaten for some fruits. Man this was so much simpler when it was cocaine!”
“It’s silly that we have to follow these archaic rules. We’re delivering these fruits to the various young kids around the towns. This is improving their health, vision, energy. They aren’t getting addicted to drugs or alcohol. Look at the scores of the kids. It’s the highest it’s ever been.” Claims El Vejo.
Some of the other cartels in Columbia are getting a bit distraught about the image of their country. They say that this is making them look like pansies. They also say that Columbia used to be a country of power that inspired American films and now it’s being slandered by these vegetarian hippos. The hippos sent these cartels links of videos of Hippos eating humans.
“That’s like our Horse head in the bed, you know” says El Vejo.