TransContinental: Call God, The Car’s Broken!

We also ended dealing with some car in desert, which is terrifying on the road. Look, I’m an agnostic, but when I have to deal with car troubles, I start praying!

“Hey, if you’re a real entity this would be a great time to prove yourself to me! I know we’ve had our differences in the past, with the do you exist thing. But if you want to end that debate, go ahead and fix the car in the moment. Miracle this shit. I won’t even tweet about it!” It didn’t work.

Let’s say hypothetically there is a God. I think the issue is that their miracles stopped with the sword! Like it didn’t keep up modern scientific advancements! So when I pray to fix my car I think I just confuse God.

What is that? It’s moving without horses? What kind of Black Magic is this? And what is that rectangle in your pocket? Are you watching pornography and taking my name in vain?! What is happening? I’m not coming back, this is too much!

The issue itself was super strange. We couldn’t accelerate our car past 2.5 RPMs. And we looked it up as to what could be causing it on the internet and the issue was…anything. It was anything. From electrical issues, the air filter, the transmission, the tires, the engine itself! So we decided we had to go to a mechanic, which basically means I’m going to have trust issues for a few years that’s going affect all my relationships.

We went to several mechanics to figure out this mess. My favorite mechanic we went to was Phoenix Arizona. It was 112 degrees. I walk in and the guy is screaming on the phone. And then very prominently on desk is a mug that says “NObama” on it. So this can only go one of two ways.

And then I turned around to see a calendar. And I honestly don’t know what year this calendar was from because the photo on it was so distracting. It was an image of former President George W. Bush, you guys remember him? We were told not to forget. It’s a picture of him wearing that Air Force Uniform and he landed on that Navy Carrier and it said “Mission Accomplished” and everyone was like “WHAT MISSION GEORGE!? What are talking about?!

And he was like “We Did It!” “What did we do exactly?! Because it just looks like you lied to go to war for oil!? Give us specifics George!

We’re #1!

Number 1 in what George? Arms dealing?! What are you actually talking about?!

You guys remember that? So it’s a photo of that and underneath it says…”Miss Me Yet?” … … … … … … … FUCKING NO George, we don’t miss you yet! It has to get so much worse for us miss you! Like it has to be apocalyptic! Streets and Garbage cans have to be on fire! People have to squeezed like wet rags to get the water out of them! If somehow the lie about marijuana being a gateway drug becomes true and everyone takes one hit we think “Boy we should try heroin!” THEN YES we would all say “Boy I sure miss that child with big ear we elected to be President! Wonder what he’s painting now?!

So all that is happening at this mechanics and I’m not sure what’s going to happen. But I misjudged him and he was super nice actually. He did look at the car and gave me answer we didn’t care for. He looked at the car and some of the codes and he was said we’re going to need a new Transmission. And I was how about we fix the new one and he says we can’t do that. And replacing this one would cost $4000.

Oh! Or you could kill me. Like you kill me and throw me in the woods so I decay into the Earth from whence I came. That’s also a plausibility. Way cheaper too! Let’s do that! I was annoyed. Look at the risk of sounding like an old man I have to ask, are we just not fixing things anymore? We just replace everything! Transmissions, cars, Political Parties! I wish we can just fix things instead of constantly replacing them.

That’s like if you had a Child that was sick, they have a cough and you took them to the doctors and said “Hey can you help my kid?” And they go “Yep, we’re going to get you a new kid.

Wait what? No, I just want you fix this one. It’s just a cough, can you help me fix that!

Yeah, no we’re going to get a whole new one! I can’t fully guarantee it’ll work fine, but it’ll be new! Fun huh?!

No but I like this one. I have a like a bond with this one and an emotional connection and stuff. I’d like to fix this one!

Oh but the new baby is great. Probably better, it’s from China!

Capitalism is fun, huh? We did fix the car. We needed to get the transmission it’s own cooler and our friend in Arkansas was able to help us. God’s still trying to figure some shit out. They’ll get there one day.